My healing journey started from self-talk
I shared my personal story that happened 2 years ago in Japan, which eventually led me to start self-healing to forgive, integrate and love myself deeply.
I used to think I took care of myself pretty well and even told my friends and family how I was happy with myself until… I realized that was far from the truth.
It happened around 2 years ago when I lived in Japan. Almost every weekend I tried to go out of Tokyo and do some activities like hiking, walking, or visiting new places.
That time I went to Norikura Kogen (Highlands) in Matsumoto, a gorgeous hiking, and trekking nature gateway. I stayed a night in Matsumoto city then came to Norikura to hike Mount Norikura. Unfortunately, the bus going to the mountain base was suspended due to heavy snow because it was the beginning of November.
Instead, I walked around the highlands, stayed in the Japanese ryokan (traditional house), and went to a nice onsen (hot spring spa). Fully rejuvenated and recharged in the scenic nature.
On Sunday morning I planned to return to Tokyo, so headed back to Matsumoto city where the highway bus goes to Shinjuku Bus Terminal. I booked a seat online, the departure time was in the afternoon. I had plenty of time to visit a museum and have lunch.
I went to the Matsumoto Performing Arts Centre, artistically very appealing and shaped like a violin. The rooftop garden was my favorite, I stayed for half an hour laid down, looked at the clear blue sky and did nothing but appreciate this moment.
After that went to Nawate Dori, a frog-themed street for lunch. A little fun fact about this street is Japanese word for frog is kaeru, the other meaning is to go back and return home safely. So I understand the idea behind this could be that visitors come and return peacefully to this place.
Anyway, I had my favorite lunch, Indian food is my ultimate comfort food. And headed to the bus terminal.
The funny thing is I was late for a minute, and the bus just moved in front of me. I gave a sign to the driver to stop and let me get in. But the schedule is schedule in Japan. Departed just right there in front of me.
The first thing I said to myself was “How Azaa you’re so stupid!” that hit me hard just like slapping on my bare face. How I was talking to myself in a rude and harsh tone. I am sure I’ll be hurt if my friends and family tell me this. But for self-talk that was my default voice.
Saying negative about myself, always wanting to be perfect, setting high expectations, and putting own mind and body in the pressure cooker. Oh well, that is not nice at all.
Nothing serious happened but my reaction toward it was exaggerated. Blown away 5000-6000¥, and arrive in Tokyo an hour late. That’s it! but my default nature was unhealed and unconscious.
I booked another seat for the next departure and arrived at the same time at Shinjuku Bus Terminal as the previous bus due to traffic.
My meditation teacher said
When life flows like a sweet song, it is easier to be happy, calm & collected. The real nature of people arises when life is going dead wrong, that’s the majority of live events. During the vicissitudes of life, if one remains balanced, that’s the progress of one’s healing-growing journey.
When I heard this, the memory of me being peaceful, happy, and fulfilling at the rooftop garden in Matsumoto’s Art Centre came to mind.
Even though this event didn’t have big consequences, it made me realize how I had an unhealthy inner self, provoking self-sabotage thoughts and dialogues. But what if something big deal of an event happened? That was an eye-opening experience to start a healing journey to integrate with my “self” fully.
I noticed because I did love myself superficially, like going to nature and treating fancy stuff. I couldn’t go deeper to face real deals to grow and heal.
The healing journey gradually began, and I saw many patterns of conditional love and sabotaging tendencies. It’s been around 2 years now, I learned to love myself truthfully.
About self-talk? By default, 90% is uplifting, loving, and honest. Sometimes, the strong habit of belittling thoughts arises in my mind but I can now notice its coming and observe it consciously without letting it manifest in reality. It’s a big reminder, that self-healing is a long, lifetime journey.
I hope you get a glimpse of yourself through this story to encourage self-compassion.
It was great to know you a little more.